Today’s thankful thought is a little dark, but I really felt it today and I think not expressing it wouldn’t be true to how I was feeling. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression and I don’t think I have it consistently, but I definitely have moments of depression. As I mentioned in a previous post, there are days when I just wake up not feeling like doing life and today was one of those days. However, today I’m thankful my belief that this life isn’t the end is so engrained inside of me.

When I’m in a bad depressive episode, my thoughts sometimes scare me. Thoughts like “I hope I get into a horrible accident so I don’t have to do life” or “I really wish I could go to sleep and never wake up”. I don’t have fully formed suicide thoughts and I don’t plan out ways to kill myself, but my thoughts can sometimes be in the realm of suicide ideation. I’ve only shared these thoughts with someone one time and it didn’t go well so I keep them locked away. Part of the reason I don’t tell anyone is because of that experience, but also because I know I will never do something to end my life so I don’t want to worry anyone. No one can fix this for me anyways. I know I will never kill myself with 100% certainty because I believe there is a life after this one. If I ended my life now, I would go to the next life without having fully lived out my potential. That would just bring more suffering and guilt to my soul, not relief from the pain. I would feel regret for not pushing through the suffering and seeing the rest of the amazing things in store for me. God has a plan for me and that doesn’t involve me killing myself in my 20s. The belief that there is a life after this one is something I have never questioned. I know that this life isn’t the end and I have Heavenly Parents and a loving Savior that will meet me on the other side. If that knowledge wasn’t engrained in my soul the way it is, I’m not sure what would happen. Like I said, my depressive episodes usually aren’t long or lasting, but they can be very very dark. I know people who struggle with diagnosed major depression who don’t have the same beliefs that I do and I’ve seen how hard they have to fight those thoughts to stay in this life. Dark days are real and horrible and challenging. I’m so grateful I was blessed with the knowledge I have so that I can have a glimmer of light to hold onto during my darkest days.